I realize that when I discuss my former company, I still say “we,” as if I remain a part of it. Life is so much easier when you can wrap yourself within the veil of a big company’s identity. People assume that so much of what you do is who you are, and it’s easy to believe that yourself. There’s a stamp of worth that you get automatically by association.
– Kathleen Finn, The Sharper Your Knife, the Less You Cry
I don’t wrap myself in the “veil of a big company’s identity,” but I understand the sentiment nonetheless. So much of our identities comes from our jobs and the organizations to which we belong. I find myself still saying “we” and “us” when I speak about Bryn Mawr, or Genderqueer Chicago, or especially TJLP. It may be telling that I do not particularly identify with the job I currently have or the company for which I currently work, but despite the 400 miles and the over six months since I’ve been in the office, I still am deeply tied to TJLP. Continue reading
Well, it’s National Coming Out Day again (or so Facebook tells me), and a lot has happened in the past year. Most particularly, I’m now out as trans — I wasn’t quite ready to do that yet last year. In terms of coming out/transitioning, it’s been a big year. One of the best things is that I now actually have language for myself and words that feel comfortable to me. Continue reading
EXPLORING TRANS — SATURDAY, JULY 10, 2010, 8:11 PM
I feel like I’m being pulled in so many different directions. I don’t know how — I’ve never know how — to deal with multiple identities in a way that didn’t cause one of them to be neglected and ignored. I’m a Korean adoptee, but I’m also queer and trans, and I haven’t yet been able to figure out a way to unite those identities, instead of simply pushing one to the foreground and the other to the back. Continue reading
Posted in Exploring Trans, Trans/Queer
Tagged adoptee, childhood, confusion, Exploring Trans, gender, high school, identity, Korean, Korean dance, loneliness, nonconformity, postaday2011, queer, theatre, trans, transgender
EXPLORING TRANS — TUESDAY, MAY 11, 2010, 1:33 AM
Today was the boat cruise. Every year, after all papers and exams are done, the seniors at my college have a tradition on going on a dinner cruise on the river with some of the favorite faculty and staff. This was it, and overall, it was awesome.
Parts of it were less awesome. My friend looked at our drinks (she had a Sex On The Beach; another friend and I both had Cosmopolitans) and said, “We’re so girly!” Awesome. Great. Thanks. So not what I want to hear. The next drink I ordered was a vodka tonic. Continue reading
Posted in Bryn Mawr College, Exploring Trans, Trans/Queer
Tagged alcohol, Bryn Mawr, celebration, college, drinks, Exploring Trans, friends, fruity drinks, frustration, gender, girliness, identity, image, insecurity, postaday2011, trans, transgender
Write about one thing you’ve never told anyone and explain why
This sounds odd, but I’m not actually certain what I’ve told people. There are, of course, a number of things I’ve kept under wraps, so to speak, but I’ve not really kept track of my secrets. I email certain people and just sort of unload everything in my mind at the time . . . pretty much without a filter. And then I don’t necessarily remember every single word of the tens or hundreds of thousands. But I’ve shared most of my secrets, whether they be related to gender, queerness, my worries, insecurities, fears of being forgotten. It’s difficult to think of something I’m certain I’ve never told anyone. And then if I can, it’s not necessarily something about which I want to blog — really, if I haven’t told the people I trust most, why would I tell the internet? Still, there’s one thing I’m willing to share that I’m pretty sure I’ve not yet told to anyone. Continue reading
Posted in Music, Rambles, Twin Cities
Tagged gay, identity, music, postaday2011, secrets, singing, Twin Cities, Twin Cities Gay Men's Chorus, voice, wish
EXPLORING TRANS — TUESDAY, MARCH 2, 2010, 11:31 PM
Although I self-identify as trans, people very rarely read me as anything other than a woman. I suppose I can’t really blame them: I’m barely over five feet tall; I have child-sized hands; my shoe size is that of the average 8-12-year-old (according to Converse.com); and I’ve never had what anyone would call a boyish figure. I look distinctly female, no matter how much I’d like to pretend otherwise. Continue reading
If you got a tattoo, what would it be?
When I was young, I always thought that I would get a single tattoo. Just one, black ink — my name, perhaps (one of them, anyway). Some of the first tattoos I saw and liked belonged to a few family friends — brothers who got their names in Arabic, I think, with the tree from the flag of Lebanon (they’re of Lebanese descent). It was strong, personal, timeless. Seeing their tattoos may have been the first time I decided that I wanted a tattoo.
Posted in Rambles
Tagged BMC, Bryn Mawr, courage, hope, identity, impulse, Korean, lantern, postaday2011, strength, tattoo, time, transformation
EXPLORING TRANS — THURSDAY, JULY 1, 2010, 12:38 AM
It sometimes seems as though there’s this societal insistence that gender can only be either personal or social. It’s either directly due to people as individuals, or it’s solely the result of socialization. Furthermore, I, at least, have felt a message that it needs to be individual, in order to be “real” or “authentic” or “legitimate.”
There’s this idea that how I feel about my gender, or how I present myself, isn’t real if it’s influenced by society. It’s only considered legitimate if I do something because it’s what I want for myself, not because I want others to view me in a certain way. And while I understand and respect the importance of staying true to oneself and not being too bothered by the rest of the world, it’s an undeniable fact that we’re influenced by society. Continue reading
Posted in Exploring Trans, Trans/Queer
Tagged Exploring Trans, friends, gender, gender identity, identity, insecurity, legitimacy, postaday2011, societal norms, society, trans, transgender
A while back, I came across an article online from Vanity Fair regarding a then-recent episode of Glee. Brett Berk, the writer — an openly gay man who uses the term “faggy” to refer to himself — uses the term “fags” in a relatively innocuous way, referring to the Dalton Warblers of Glee, and it created an immediate uproar. Frankly, though, all of the ‘no one should ever use that horrible word, and he should be fired!’ people upset me more than his use of the word did. Continue reading