A little over a year ago, I started a blog dealing specifically with my personal trans journey that I titled “Exploring Trans.” I wasn’t yet publicly out as trans, so I kept it mostly private and unconnected to the rest of my life. It allowed me to express my frustrations and confusion without needing to burden or educate any specific person. The anonymity of it allowed me to be more honest, more uncensored, than I would generally be — I was basically writing to strangers, not to people who know me, people with whom I interact. However, since coming out and finding trans / genderqueer / gender-knowledgeable community of my own, I’ve essentially abandoned my old trans blog in favor of posting here. Now, my old blog posts function more as a way to remind me where I’ve been, mentally, over the past year of my gender journey.
I recently started rereading my old blog posts at Exploring Trans, and I’m struck by how similarly I still feel in some cases and how differently I now feel in others. I’ve decided to start reposting the posts here and then responding to them regarding how I now feel.
Reading over my old blog, I’m struck by how young I seem in it (not that youth is bad, simply that it feels long ago). I definitely didn’t have all of the language I now have (female-assigned, woman-identified). Even more so, I had by far a greater number of insecurities regarding my own identity, how I could identify, and what that would mean. I had few real life examples of transmasculinity, genderqueerness, and gender-variance in general. I just knew that I didn’t feel comfortable identifying as a woman, and I didn’t identify with the guys with whom I went to high school (or rather, did theatre with in high school, girls’ school and all).
Now, I feel as though I’ve grown into myself a little more. I’m more comfortable with who I am, and I feel as though I have more options in terms of who I could be. Many of the concerns I had a year ago are still very real, even if I’m thinking about them in different ways now. I think it will be good for me to reflect on how far I’ve come in the past year and where I’m headed.