I am so impatient. Seriously, I am not good at waiting. At times, it might be more the uncertainty than the actual wait, but right now, I am rapidly depleting any sources of patience I may have. Above all, I am currently on edge waiting to find out whether I got the job for which I interviewed last week. It will decide so much of my life — when I’m having top surgery, when I’m going to be able to move back to Chicago (and how responsibly I’ll be able to do so), what’s going to happen with the temp job, how I’m going to save all of the money I need to be saving for a variety of things, even whether I’m going to be able to go to the Dar Williams concert in Ann Arbor this upcoming November.
Once I know about the job, I can start making plans. Whether or not I get the job, there are going to be both upsetting and positive elements to each outcome. I am so stressed trying to figure out how I’m going to make everything happen, and which I actually want to have happen, and how I’m going to deal with the consequences. Part of me just wants to know already — to end the “what’s going to happen?” anxiety that freaking me out — and part of me wishes to keep in the dark so that I don’t have to deal with the parts I’m dreading.
I keep changing my mind as to which alternative would be worse, but I don’t really want to decide because I don’t know yet which will happen — and I’d hate to finally decide which would upset me most, only for that to be the outcome.
I just wish that I had more marketable skills. I especially wish that I had some kind of talents that would make employers in Chicago want to hire me. Even more than that, though, I wish I didn’t need a job to support myself. Don’t get me wrong — I want a job. I want to be productive and to give back to my community. But the necessity of finding a paid job in this society — something that will pay for rent and other bills — is frustrating.
What would the world be like if people had more freedom to follow their passions instead of focusing on the need for a paycheck? What would it be like if more people were capable of supporting themselves by doing something they loved? There has to be so much potential talent and creativity and innovation that gets lost because people never have a chance to explore it.
Even setting that aside (because the likelihood of me finding a job in the near future that could support me and be something about which I’m passionate is extraordinarily slim to none), I just wish I could start figuring my life out. Where am I going to be living six months from now? What am I going to be doing? When am I going to be able to get back to Chicago, and how am I going to support myself?
I just wish I could make things better, even though I’m not certain I know what that would even mean, let alone how to go about achieving it.