Top Surgery Rescheduled — Two Months From Today

I posted a bit ago about scheduling top surgery; if that scheduled date were still true, I’d be having surgery in less than a month. Unfortunately, due to complications with work, I’ve had to delay surgery a bit longer. For a time, I didn’t know when I would be able to have surgery, but surgery is now scheduled once again as December 9th. It feels a long way off, and there’s no longer any significance to the day, but at least it’s still happening this year.

I keep telling myself how incredibly lucky I am that surgery will be happening at all. I remind myself that this is absolutely the responsible decision, the correct choice in a long-term sense. If I can get the company for which I work to approve leave for my recovery — especially if it means moving back surgery by only one month — I need to take it. I know intellectually that postponing surgery was my only viable option. Emotionally, it’s harder to handle.

I just want it to be over with. I want to move on to exploring what sorts of shirts I’ll like to wear when I don’t have to prioritize concealment. I want to be able to work out without feeling icky (in several, several months, once I’m sufficiently healed). I want to breathe deeply in public, unrestricted by binders. I want to stop switching back and forth between “I can’t breathe” and “I feel gross,” depending on whether I’m binding or not. I imagine it will be slightly akin to having had LASIK surgery, being able to wake from sleeping ready to go — I don’t sleep in a binder, typically (there may have been a time or two when I was crashing at a friend’s place and did so), and I never feel dressed and ready to face the world without one.

I just want for my body to be the way I want it to be. In one very basic way. Unlike growing taller, this is actually possible. Unlike wanting to be thinner, or more toned, or possessing different bone structure, it’s not just a matter of looking better. I know that top surgery won’t affect me in any of those ways; it’s not some kind of cure-all. It won’t magically make me love how I look. But what it will do is enough.

Two months. Once again, another countdown begins. Here’s to hoping that this will be the last time I need to start my top surgery countdown anew.

9 responses to “Top Surgery Rescheduled — Two Months From Today

  1. Ugh man so sorry to hear that. I can only imagine how crushing that could be. However, if the new date is really what’s best, maybe you can at least find a wee bit of solace in that, especially with the work situation? I totally know how sucky this is though. And hey, at least it’ll be done before 2012!

    • Thanks, I appreciate your words, especially since I’ve been feeling guilty about being upset about it. I imagine it’ll be worse around the beginning of November, but right now, I’m trying to remind myself that this is for the best.

  2. Dare I ask…now that your surgery is pushed back, is it too late for you to come out here for the Dar concert in November? Could there be a silver lining? If it ends up being too late to book your flight, i’d totally understand, but it’s worth looking into, right?

  3. I can understand when you want something that badly (and feel gross where you are right now) that this postponement can be a real pain to deal with. Binding is not comfortable. On the other hand, by the time it gets warm out again (and you want, perhaps, to go to the beach and go swimming, or go for a run), you will be in the enviable (to me) position of not having to wear anything on your upper body (personally I think everyone should be allowed by social norms to be topless, but that is a whole other story). So then you can come visit me in Belize and go snorkling without fear! Imagine, by Christmas time your family can be buying you the new shirts that you want, and you wont be sweating in a binder at the gym in February:). Hang in there, December will be here before you know it.

  4. Pingback: One Month Until Surgery! | Beyond Bryn Mawr

  5. Pingback: One Month Until Top Surgery! | Beyond Bryn Mawr

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