I posted a bit ago about scheduling top surgery; if that scheduled date were still true, I’d be having surgery in less than a month. Unfortunately, due to complications with work, I’ve had to delay surgery a bit longer. For a time, I didn’t know when I would be able to have surgery, but surgery is now scheduled once again as December 9th. It feels a long way off, and there’s no longer any significance to the day, but at least it’s still happening this year.
I keep telling myself how incredibly lucky I am that surgery will be happening at all. I remind myself that this is absolutely the responsible decision, the correct choice in a long-term sense. If I can get the company for which I work to approve leave for my recovery — especially if it means moving back surgery by only one month — I need to take it. I know intellectually that postponing surgery was my only viable option. Emotionally, it’s harder to handle.
I just want it to be over with. I want to move on to exploring what sorts of shirts I’ll like to wear when I don’t have to prioritize concealment. I want to be able to work out without feeling icky (in several, several months, once I’m sufficiently healed). I want to breathe deeply in public, unrestricted by binders. I want to stop switching back and forth between “I can’t breathe” and “I feel gross,” depending on whether I’m binding or not. I imagine it will be slightly akin to having had LASIK surgery, being able to wake from sleeping ready to go — I don’t sleep in a binder, typically (there may have been a time or two when I was crashing at a friend’s place and did so), and I never feel dressed and ready to face the world without one.
I just want for my body to be the way I want it to be. In one very basic way. Unlike growing taller, this is actually possible. Unlike wanting to be thinner, or more toned, or possessing different bone structure, it’s not just a matter of looking better. I know that top surgery won’t affect me in any of those ways; it’s not some kind of cure-all. It won’t magically make me love how I look. But what it will do is enough.
Two months. Once again, another countdown begins. Here’s to hoping that this will be the last time I need to start my top surgery countdown anew.