Tag Archives: insecurity

Beta Wolf Behavior

Posted at 8:24 PM, FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2009

I was talking to Kate Bornstein the other day (yup, that Kate Bornstein. Yeah, I know, that’s kinda the coolest thing I’ve ever been able to say). She mentioned something she called “beta wolf behavior” — a survival mechanism, a way to protect oneself in a hostile environment. Essentially, beta wolf behavior is making oneself really vulnerable and inoffensive, like a really cute puppy, rolling around on its back and exposing its belly — “I’m vulnerable; I’m showing you my throat, and you could kill me, but you don’t want to because I’m just so dang cute! You don’t want to hurt me because I’m just so cute and adorable.” Continue reading

Vulnerability and Being Forgettable

I was watching The Glee Project today; the contestants wore signs on which they wrote the thing that made them feel the most vulnerable — gay, fat, anorexic, rejected, fake, used. It was intense, and they got very emotional, and it made me think about what makes me vulnerable. What would I put on my sign? It feels like I could fill a notebook, not just a sign. But the one that makes me feel the most vulnerable? Continue reading

Please Don’t Call My Drink “Girly”

EXPLORING TRANS — TUESDAY, MAY 11, 2010, 1:33 AM

Today was the boat cruise. Every year, after all papers and exams are done, the seniors at my college have a tradition on going on a dinner cruise on the river with some of the favorite faculty and staff. This was it, and overall, it was awesome.

Parts of it were less awesome. My friend looked at our drinks (she had a Sex On The Beach; another friend and I both had Cosmopolitans) and said, “We’re so girly!” Awesome. Great. Thanks. So not what I want to hear. The next drink I ordered was a vodka tonic. Continue reading

Recording Studios + Solos = Gender Issues

EXPLORING TRANS — TUESDAY, MAY 4, 2010, 7:00 PM

I sing with an a cappella group, which I love. It’s one of my favorite parts of my life at college. Today, we went to the recording studio to begin recording my senior solo. Recording is usually a lot of fun, but today it was really stressful.

To start with, I’m not a really confident singer, and my sense of rhythm is surprising lacking for a singer. So, I’m recording the scratch track (the track the others listen to as they record, so that we can all be together), and it fails. I’m continually off the proper rhythm. It doesn’t help that they keep using feminine pronouns for me, which only magnifies the discomfort I’m feeling regarding my voice and gets me feeling even more frustrated.  Continue reading

Listening to the Right Voice

EXPLORING TRANS — THURSDAY, JULY 1, 2010, 12:38 AM

It sometimes seems as though there’s this societal insistence that gender can only be either personal or social. It’s either directly due to people as individuals, or it’s solely the result of socialization. Furthermore, I, at least, have felt a message that it needs to be individual, in order to be “real” or “authentic” or “legitimate.”

There’s this idea that how I feel about my gender, or how I present myself, isn’t real if it’s influenced by society. It’s only considered legitimate if I do something because it’s what I want for myself, not because I want others to view me in a certain way. And while I understand and respect the importance of staying true to oneself and not being too bothered by the rest of the world, it’s an undeniable fact that we’re influenced by society. Continue reading

Questioning Trans Legitimacy

EXPLORING TRANS — MONDAY, MARCH 1, 2010, 1:49 AM

“Legitimacy” always seems like such an important thing. In this case, it’s a question of who is “really” trans, as if there’s somehow an illegitimate form of trans identity that is separate from the “true” trans folk.

The legitimacy of my trans identity is a big insecurity for me, given that I’ve started questioning my gender at a rather late stage in my life (relatively speaking) and that I don’t have a sense of binary gender, which is the only type of gender that is generally recognized. Continue reading

Breaking Down The Facade Of Acceptance: Admitting I Feel Lost

Honestly, I am so tired. I’m just tired of everything. And I’m so damn sick of feeling heartbroken. I didn’t even know it was possible for my heart to hurt and feel numb at the same time. There’s this constant emotional ache, a longing to be back in my life in Chicago — to be part of things once more, to see people, to be hugged — and it isn’t going away. Things don’t seem as bright anymore. Continue reading